


my name is dark

by murderfuel



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Heavy Angst, Jealousy, kalluto deserves to be happy :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27167206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murderfuel/pseuds/murderfuel
Summary: kalluto is dying of loneliness. every day drags on and fills him with immense pain. all he wants is a friend.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	my name is dark

**Author's Note:**

> this was my submission for day 12 of hxhoctober !

_“Why does no one love me?”_

_“I wish Killua would pay attention to me instead of Alluka.”_

_“I’m tired of being ignored and overlooked.”_

Kalluto’s hands make quick work of folding origami, piles upon piles of paper surrounding him. 

Every day is like this. 

He yearns for an ounce of affection. A gentle touch. A few soft words of endearment spoken to him and only him. A person by his side, laughing at Kalluto’s wits and jokes. A friend.

He never would understand why Killua got to be happy. Killua got to hang out with his friends all day long, seven days a week. Freedom. That is what Killua has that Kalluto lacks. Happiness. Joy. Love. Three things his brother had, that he would never see.  
And god, the knowledge of this hurt so much.

Tears stream down Kalluto’s face, cheeks damp with hours of crying, bloodshot eyes, and used tissues. The pain was never-ending. The doors to his heart were open, yet not one person dared to walk in.

Kalluto knows the world is black and white. There’s no grey area. No in-between. There are the people that deserve love and happiness and bask in those until they wither and die, and then there are the people that drown in their own sorrows, loneliness stabbing them right where it hurts. Kalluto is the latter. He knows this.

“Assassins aren’t supposed to have friends” His parents repeat over and over again. They are hypocrites; they get to experience love with each other, they have kids to give them that extra boost of happiness, they have business partners that they often spend nights up laughing with over glasses of fine wine.

Time ticks by and Kalluto is still alone.

The only time he truly feels happy, like things are going to be okay, is when he kills. A moment of serotonin to lift his spirits before he realizes he killed someone that could’ve loved him. 

He craves an escape; a pathway to a better life.

He’ll never get his wish; after all, he’s a trained assassin. Those who take lives shall not be blessed with lives surrounding them in a warm embrace.

His mind runs on _what-ifs_ and _why nots._

Daydreams of a happier life cloud his mind; making his head a murky mess, bundled up feelings wrapping themselves around his heart, his brain, his soul. 

Perfect lives don’t exist.

Even those who Kalluto looks up to had their struggles. Killua had escaped from their family, yet he still doesn’t know who he is. Illumi; he found love and serenity in Hisoka, yet no matter what he always keeps a cage around his heart, never letting his true feelings slip out in fears of what will happen to him. Chrollo; the man Kalluto dreams of shadowing, being his number two, is successful in his life of crime, though he has no clue as to who he is.

Things are never quite what they seem.

This doesn’t stop Kalluto from wishing, his desires took over everything in him.

As the sun rose to start another day, Kalluto slowly felt an aching dread inside of him. And as the sunset and the moon rose, Kalluto could lay in peace knowing another day of suffering had come to end. The changing of days only brought him closer to his evident death, and in a sick way that made Kalluto feel calm. His heart lays at ease.

When he watches the night sky full of thousands of glittering stars, he points out the stars that stay a little too close to each other. He loves and hates the way they stick around one another, so chipper and happy. He imagines the stars holding hands, then his brain fills with the lovely image of one of his siblings holding his hand. He wants nothing more than to have someone to stick around him, to be his buddy, his star, until death.

His escape has always been to kill; when things get rough and he finds himself playing with paper until his hands bleed and ache with the formation of new blisters, he seeks out a new victim. 

Blood flowing, a sickly crimson, as his victims fall to pieces, crumbling and breaking, is an all too familiar sight for the young assassin. A soft smirk dashes his face, and for a few seconds, he feels happy.

One slash of his fan.

_Illumi will love me if I get this done._

Two slashes of his fan.

_Mother and Father will be proud of me and how far I’ve come._

Three slashes of his fan.

_Milluki will spend time with me instead of staying holed up in his room._

Four, five slashes

_Killua and Alluka will come back for me. They will treat me as an equal, as a friend._

His mind was filled with all of these lies; he knows these thoughts will only worsen the pain, but he can’t help it. They are almost therapeutic to him. Comforting. He doesn’t quite grasp why his wishful desires are worsening him.

Day by day, night by night, sunrise, sunset, season changing, he is slowly losing himself. He tears at his skin, rips out his raven black hair, clawing at his eyes like an insane person. 

He is calling out for help yet nobody bothers to listen to him. He is just a background character in their grandiose life. 

He couldn’t blame anyone for how they felt. If he was in their shoes he would kick himself to the curb and spit on himself. He deserves to be alone. Trapped in his own little room, the door to be let out missing. 

He stalks around, scarcely letting himself be seen. He blends into the shadows, becoming one with the darkness. He should embrace the loneliness; put on a mean face and scare people away with a scoff and a scowl.

_Stop. Stop. Stop._ He screams to himself. His own voice reverberating and echoing inside of his head, a loud scream that begs for help. He can’t stop the thoughts from entering him, he merely gives in and surrenders.

He is but a slave to his own mind.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this fic !! i really loved writing it and exploring Kalluto's character because he's my favourite zoldyck ! i think he is underappreciated in the fandom; he may not be super fleshed out like some of the other characters, but he's still a good character. he's baby :(


End file.
